My previous post is very inadequate in telling how I feel (considering I have to explain to all my friends)
Probably because I wrote it in one sitting, never edited it and then posted it.
I touched a host of issues in that and will try to put a few lines on each.



Blame Game : I don't play this game.
I avoid it as much as possible.
It could be anyone's fault, I don't care.
This is because of next thing.

Past : For me past is gone.
I can't change it, I don't even remember it properly.
So I try not to get influenced by it.
What I'm today, is because of my past.
I made some decisions then, they kept me alive at least.
This has to do with the next thing.

Forced Optimism : I am a born pessimist.
My first natural thought had always been pessimistic.
So I have attained a forced optimism, it has kept me alive.
This has come from the next thing.

Severe Depression : I had severe depression in college.
And I did not know it. I had all the symptoms, I just refused to believe them.
After my college got over, my parents took me to a general physician.
He spent 15 minutes talking to me and diagnosed the same.
The reason I did not take the pills because of a medical test.
I had to submit to it before taking up my job and did not want any complications there.
So I spent one month, watching the entire Friends series, season 1 to season 10, twice.
The first time, none of the jokes seemed funny, it was not working.
The second time, I forced myself to laugh at the jokes. Got cured in those 15 days.



Success and Failure : Everyone has a different definition of success and failure.
Same is the case with me.
But the success or failure comes only when one makes an effort. An effort to achieve.
Success teaches you some things. Failure teaches you other things.
Not trying does not reach to success or failure. It leads to nowhere.
This leads me to the next thing.

An effort to try : I have not been making this effort.
Success and failure are dependent on many things but no one refutes the importance of effort.
My refusal to try is the only thing I regret.
My refusal to try for a very useless reason I regret more.
This points to me the next thing.

Next one year : The next year is very crucial.
I will make an effort to try, that's the only thing I can do.
That's the only thing I want to do.
So I have made a pact with myself. To try.
This pact has a penalty clause coming next.

Suicide pact : I have 360 days to prevent my suicide.
The pact ends on July 20th, 2009.
I gave myself one year to fight my natural tendencies of the past 9 years.
And there is a penalty for not trying this year.
If I don't try, it will be a total loss of self respect for myself.
How can I live my life without self-respect?