June, 1999

Someone called and told my sister that my 10th board results have come.
We all were excited and started getting ready to go to school.
I was the last to leave the house.
The phone rang and I picked it up.
It was my sister's friend congratulating me.
She said I had scored 90%.
I said I did not believe her. It cannot be my score.
I told her that I am going to school and kept the phone down.
I did not tell anyone about the call.
When we reached school, it was a huge rush.
Someone else also came forward to congratulate me.
I went straightaway to the board where the results were displayed.
Mom wrote down the my individual marks and of some of my 'competitors'.
She then calculated for all. I had 90.6%.
I don't remember my rank in school but it was either 3rd or 5th.
I was happy, we all were happy.
But I don't know why I detected a faint less-happiness on my mom's face.
We bought some gulab jamun, my fav sweet and reached home.
It was an exciting day.
After spending some time on the excited discussions and comparisons, somehow I felt mom was not happy.
I asked her, mom, are you happy, its a good score?
Mom paused for one sec and then said yes, it is a good score. Its a great score.
She kissed me on the cheek and fed me one more gulab jamun.

June 20th, 2008

9 years have passed and now I realize why I stopped trying to achieve anything.
I still remember the endless study in class 10th.
I was not forced to study, I wanted to study.
Some people are good in one thing, some in other etc.
I was good at studies.
My parents did not ask me to stay up late and study.
I made history notes (which I hated) and crammed them up.
I did endless maths questions, revised endless times.
Then unconsciously, that pause killed a part of me.
I unconsciously started thinking that however hard I try, I can't satisfy my mom.
The pause could have been for anything, so I won't go into the blame game now.
There was a pause and there was my interpretation.
To prove it, now I don't remember my marks in any of my exams.
Unconsciously, the delete button made its mark.

I realized what I had missed now in the past 9 years.
How many opportunities have I missed.
I could be someplace else, someone else.
I still remember distinctively, my parent-teacher meeting in Class 12th.
My class teacher, a physics professor told my parents.
"He can do it, (clear IIT-JEE), but I don't know why he does not want to."
At home, I half-heartedly reassured my parents that I wanted to clear it.
The same sentiment has been echoed by friends and teachers and even my parents.
Yesterday, a friend called me up and gave the same advice.
After the call ended, I started thinking and after 15 minutes or so, it came to me.
It was the pause.
And boy, did I hate myself then, it was something even more than hatred.
I was like, FUCK!!!
How the hell did this happen?
I thought of all the things I missed.
And then I cried, not from my eyes, but in my heart.

And as a forced optimist can be, I forced myself to think what I gained.
I gained an ability to take up complex situations and break them into simpler parts.
I gained a forced optimism. (I am a born pessimist)
I gained an ability to be emotion-less while thinking practically.
And because of that I gained an insight on why it all went down the drain.
So not completely bad, not completely good.
I recognized my lack of ambition some years ago.
And I started calling myself - the drunken philosopher.
I can give good advice but I could never use my own advice.
I did not know why. I know now.

I tried to suppress these unpleasant thoughts with music, loud music.
Nothing doing. They still remained.
Finally laid down and decided to go off to sleep.
Woke up this morning, the thoughts were still there.
SuperC mode :)
I did not know how to organize my thoughts.
Half of me (the philosopher) asked me to write it down.
Other half (the drunk) fought, said its of no use.
But still I wrote this, with a reluctance.
And I have to admit, it worked now.
(It worked because When I am writing, I am forced to think of the next thing to write.)
At the line which I am writing, the thoughts of the pause have left.
Only what remains is the thought of how to bounce back.
Now I know if something that has been broken, it has to be fixed.
But the drunk refuses to listen to the philosopher.
Now, I don't even know how to give myself advice.
Boy, what a mess I am...

PS. I think writing might be an answer to it, its a third medium.
For the above reason, it should work.
I want to bounce back in the next 1 year..I will bounce back...else I'll commit suicide...