This idea has been on and off in my thoughts for quite some time. While watching the nth movie on multiple personality disorder (MPD), I got thinking that if this is for real, then how does anyone decide which is the real self? Leaving aside the one murdering psychopath and other docile personality, suppose all the multiple personalities are harmless. Is there a real self in that case?

I guess multiple personality is considered dangerous by the society because of the basic premise that everyone is supposed to have one consistent personality. Once consistency is there, the society knows how to deal with that person or avoid that person. The society can put him/her in neat boxes on a psychoanalysis sheet and then try to figure out why s/he did what s/he did. Psychologists still try to figure out why Hitler did what he did? Why Gandhi chose non-violence instead of violence?

Even we do it everyday. Why did he say that? Why did she do that? Why was he friendly with me today? Why was she so rude to me? By putting people in neat boxes, we try to answer all these questions but getting the real answer might be lil difficult since these neat boxes attribute more on the personality factor.

Lets add environment to that. Some answers become slightly clear. The effect of environment may also completely change the answer. He snapped because he was tense and had a verbal lashing from his boss. She was sweet because she just finished a box of chocolates and was feeling pretty happy.

But isn't the effect of environment on self, considered bad? Isn't that the mantra of Control Your Environment, Control Your Life. I can actually picture a book with this title in the self-help section of the local bookstore. But alas, no one can control the environment. So maybe it means controlling your reactions or better it means preventing your instantaneous reactions from coming into play.

I can't be totally oblivious to environment either. That makes me living in a black hole, which I am not actually. So it's not a black hole but a dream hole and I am floating around in blankness. Well that might make me a meditating sage also.

So if I am defined by my box-personality and controlled reasonably by my environment, that makes me a certified normal person. Any psychologist will be happy enough to give me a certificate of mental fitness and stability. My personality is consistent and I am a happy person.

Am I? I am neither a control freak nor a complete pushover. I am somewhere midway. Happy and contended. Am I?

What if I want to do something that my personality does not allow me to do? I get a whole load of mental resistance or reluctance depending on what I want to do. Now do I blame myself or my environment or my personality? Blaming self is easy. I can't do it. Period. Or the environment. It's not conducive. Period. Personality takes the best blame. My personality does not allow me to do that. Not my fault, not my environment's fault. It's my personality.

Everyone wants a great personality, a cool attitude. So if I am blocked by my personality in doing the things, harmless of course which I would like to do, is mine a great personality? I guess not.

If I go about developing a great personality, I may take some time to do that. I can still do the thing which I want to do and since I am fighting my personality to do it, either it becomes weak or becomes strong as a result of it. It will be affected, one way or the other and I don't know beforehand in which direction the effect will be. If I feel great after performing the task, it will become strong. If something goes wrong or my conscience pokes in, screaming betrayal, it will become weak.

Suppose I try a different thing. I split my self. And in turn create a new personality. That makes me a multiple personality. It's common enough. I am sure you have heard people saying, "I don't know what happened and how I did it. Its not my usual self." That's a personality split. Maybe knowingly, maybe unknowingly. I want to do this knowingly. I don't want to suffer from MPD. I just want a dual personality, one primary and other secondary. If primary creates a resistance, the secondary takes over. Once the job is done, the primary is back.

Don't comic book heroes support that? Normal weak human beings by day. Crime fighting superheroes at night. Of course, the reason behind this is to "fit in". But whatever the reason, they also have a dual personality. And they also sometimes fight villains who have psychotic MPDs. Alas, comic book heroes are not real.

Seems scary enough? We are not able to control ourselves through one personality and here I am talking about juggling between two. But what if I don't want to be defined by the neat boxes? I want to exist in 2 of them, in 3 of them, even in between the boxes. That will surely scare any normal person. Enough to put me on the path to psychosis. Suppose the juggling slips out of my hand, it becomes random. I won't control myself then. Some random switch will.

Maybe I should have a monthly fusion schedule, to fuse both the personalities. That would be like the patches in softwares. Every year, I bring out a new version. All patches neatly integrated. A new version of the personality, the mind software.

Or should I see a psychiatrist right away? These thoughts are too dangerous to be left inside my head and need to be pushed out fast...